Mood: Angry
Song of Choice: “Take it all” by Trust Company
Topic: Reality

I above all things hate reality. I mean that is truely the most disgusting thing to me. Reality gives us bondares, gives us limitations, holds us hostage. The greatest sin I can think of is giving into it.

Why the sudden burst of hate? Various reasons. What triggered this line of thinking? Jon mostly with his situation but other things too. I mean reality tells us what we can and can't do which is all well and good but I think authority and reality are two different things. I mean like what's the one thing people really want? To be happy right? I mean we all have our own definitions of happiness and we all measure it in different ways but we all measure it against the things that have gone wrong right? The things that make us sad right?

Well how come then since we've had our share of things go really really wrong how come happiness is so...unreachable sometimes? Is it a state of mind? Is is suppose to be hard to find? I mean so we can truley appreciate it? But doesn't...that make it all the harder to...believe in it? As a state of being I mean?

Okay the trigger was the convo with Jon hands down but what was the the bullet in the chamber? Fushigi Yuugi. Simple as that. Two instances in the series so far really I mean I could give you my favorite episodes but that's not the point right now. I mean okay Spoilers ahead so if you want to enjoy the series don't read this okay? Sorry but yes.

Okay in the series hands down my favorite character was Nuriko. Without contest. I really liked him because you know what I could relate. He was the glue that held that team together, he fought to keep them all safe and dude was rejected repeatedly and you know what he still kept fighting to keep the people around him happy to keep them safe. BUT GOD DAMN IT HE DIED IN MY FREAKIN SHOW! He died for the team, for his love, for the prietess! And you know what else in the last moments of his life do you know what he did? He dreamed of the one thing that would make him happy. And do you know what that was? To spend an afternoon with the woman he fell in love with in her world. That's it. Not riches, not eternal life, not fame...just to be with a girl on a date...a girl he didn't even have a chance with. Then later this happens with another character but I'm not in the mood to go there.

Now here's what got my fur to rise--why is it like that? Hmm that's a simple wish I think everyone has to just be with someone they car about to not be alone anymore to have someone to hold them and care about them and let them know hey you aen't alone anymore! I mean GOD IS THAT TRULEY THAT MUCH TO ASK?! I mean I know it's not suppose to be easy that woulsn't make it as valueable as it is...but...I mean don't you think that with all the things that go wrong in your life-death, disease, other things I can't think of because I'm kinda sparatic right now...I think it would be a little nice to know that hey no matter what you're gonna met someone perfect for you. Cause I think if you knew that you could weather anything...but that's about as certain as saying tomorrow it'll rain--from the ground.

I don't know I think I just picked the wrong anime to watch...too many memories about things that haven't exactly turned out the way they should have...grrr...I feel restless and angry I wanna fight or something...I need someone to come and spar with me...I need a bruise or something...something physical to take my mind off the emotional and mental messs ups. Of course the fact that I haven't slept in the last..4 days is probably just as big a factor as thinking too hard...I need rest I gotta take the SAT next month and I can't be tired from now...grr...I'm gonna go for a walk maybe I'll find Josh getting high or something so I can talk to him he always makes me feel a little better even if he is smoked out. Later People.